I can’t remember what I was watching but the other day something was on and I started to tear up. Why? Because one of the character’s had to face some great fear to get to the other side of that chapter in life and receive their blessing that was waiting for them. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been asked before what my greatest fear is and I’ve had answers like the ocean or that I’m living in vain, that the things that I think actually matter don’t matter at all. But in an instant I realized what my greatest fear deep down has been the very thing that I’ve been so fixed on. My greatest fear has been that God isn’t real.
As a little girl of 6 I believed that God was real with all of my heart and mind. And I continued to believe that strongly until my college years. That’s when the seeds of doubt that had probably been there for a while began to get watered and I honestly questioned my faith and strong conviction in not just the existence of God but that Jesus was the way, truth and life and that no one gets to the Father except through Him, as He states in scripture. During those years of doubt I still experienced incredible things that I couldn’t explain by natural laws. I still believed that there was something or someone much greater than myself and my immediate surroundings that I was a part of.
You know, I’ve heard many believers say, “Well in the end if it wasn’t true at least I would have tried to live a life like Jesus.” Which is a beautiful way to live your life. But I think underneath that is the feeling of, “well in the end if it’s not true then I would have wasted opportunities to totally indulge in the desires I had in my lifetime… and that sucks” But you know what I’ve discovered is that the desires of my heart change the more my faith has grown in God. And He gives me the desires of my heart.
In the past I was the closest to God when I had some terrible tragedy or if things were dismal in my life. But when things were great I would forget to pray or I would stop seeking Him. I guess because I was still in a place of panicking when things were wrong and a small part of me believed that He wasn’t real. And if that was the case, what in the world did I have to hold on to? But when things were wonderful, I believed He had me and all was well and there was no need to check in as much. Well I guess that’s because my relationship with Him was limited and I only knew Him as my savior and not so much my Lord, friend, and first love.
I share all of this with you now because after I had the revelation that my greatest fear has been that God wasn’t real, I smiled because I’m no longer afraid. Now I talk to Him when my life is wonderful and when things aren’t going as I hoped. I tested and challenged and questioned my faith and I have arrived in a beautiful place of not just believing but knowing He’s not only real, He’s alive.